20 things i learnt, 27 years later

Beginning of 2013, i listed everything I learnt during my time on this earth thus far. I am happy to share them with you, and get your thoughts.

1- Many beliefs we carry with us are limiting and wrong

2- It is okay to make mistakes and fail. The goal of life is not winning, but it is being and loving

3- While we all have fears, it is important to be aware of them and pinpoint when they drive our decisions (read more on this topic)

4- The way i perceive myself is not the way people perceive me, in fact at times it is the complete opposite

5- Self-love is at the basis of happiness, if you do not love and forgive yourself, you will not be able to do so with others, and you will not survive the storm

6- Being happy, is not easy, in fact it takes work, and is a long journey. So learn to appreciate every part of it

7- There is no such thing as impossible, everything is literally possible

8- There is no such thing as bad people, all people are good. Some people are just insecure and afraid

9- Things change... all the time

10- Persistence + consistency pay off. Building habits is essential to living the life we want

11- We are responsible for our happiness, no one or nothing can make us happy

12- Meditate more, for your answers come from within

13- Vulnerability is power

14- You can do it on your own. Oftentimes, you will find yourself alone, and that is a wonderful thing

15- The times when you simply let go, and give up control are when things turn out for the best, hence my mantra: trust and believe

16- Patience is an under-stated virtue worth cultivating

17- Make sure you do what you are passionate about, even if you can't do it full time, even if it is an hour a week

18- You cannot change anyone, people need to want to change for themselves

19- I learnt there is not "one" person for me, there are many

20- I learnt to embrace sadness and depression, the same way you embrace joy and happiness, for they are the times when you feel most connected to your soul

Photo credit Celeste Noche 

It starts with Love

What if I told you all your decisions are driven by emotions? 

You would probably laugh at me. But before you do, think about the last decision you made. 
Mine was ordering a banana pie at Mission Beach cafe, last night. 

There goes the process.

My instinct wanted to devour the pie, my mind followed suit and created a whole logic for why it is okay for me to have fatty food at night: " you worked out today, you had a light lunch, you deserve it".

My decision was nowhere near rational. But what is reason anyway?

Senses + reason = understanding.

With our senses, we gather information, and thanks to our rational ability,we connect the pieces to form an understanding of how the world functions. We also refer to our past experiences to further our understanding of our world.

But reason only sets the destination.

It is emotion that drives us to action. The feeling, that sometimes you do not even recognize. 

While that could explain why the world works in a crazy way (think wars, economic crisis, romantic love), the good news is that we can make the world crazier in a good way, by basing our decisions on love rather than fear.

There two major source of emotions are Love & Fear.

For fear, is when you make a decision, such as not helping a colleague who you are competitive with, or staying in a relationship that is not working, or you emotionally eat a jar of Nutella.

Fears come from our deeply rooted insecurities and most times we are unaware that they are the ones calling the shots. 

For love, is when you make a decision from a place of generosity and authenticity. When i decide to give feedback to one of my employees, I check in with myself to ensure that why i am doing is precisely to make them better at what they do. That it is not anger based.

An easy tool to make more love-based decisions.

We make a lot of decisions in our day. Set yourself a challenge. for 7 days, you will ask yourself before making any decision this simple question: 

"is my decision coming out of a place of love or fear?"

You do not need to do anything about it, but by just creating that awareness, you will start digging deeper into what is driving and most importantly the why what is driving you.

After all, every emotion has its reason, so yes we are coming full circle.

A pilgramage to the Esalen Institute

Spending a weekend in Esalen was equivalent to weeks of vacation. This magical hidden California gem channeled to me its positive energy, simplicity, authenticity and beauty. You are probably wondering what is about The Esalen Institute that makes it so magical?
To start with, I visited Esalen as part of a yoga weekend retreat organized by my one of my favorite yoga instructors Doron Hanoch. The theme was "Activating your seven shakras". Couldn't be a more fitting theme!


Arrived at night only to realize to my pleasant surprise that there is no phone reception and internet is sporadic and turned off during meal hours. A young man greeted us at the parking door and soon we were walking to our room number 50 with a garden view. While it was dark to admire the Big Sur view, the smell of the sleeping ocean was enough to up the ante for the morning.


The rooms were rustic, 70s style and remarkably clean. We had to make our own bed and all signs in the room encouraged us to be eco friendly. Rising at 6:30 AM for our yoga class, my eyes met the blue ocean and the early ray of lights.


Walking to the yoga classroom on the edge of a cliff, I couldn't help but stop and play with cats that were lounging around the retreat. After an amazing Asana I ran to the food pavilion as the smell of oatmeal and apples started floating around the center. Definitely one of the highlights of the trip. While the commune also seemed to have not been renovated since the hippie time, it seemed to perfectly fit with the surroundings and with what Esalen is: an non pretentious yet high quality retreat. I cannot describe how delicious the food was. Mostly grown in Esalen's gardens everything was homemade including the peanut butter. The brown rice, apple and cinnamon was my favorite breakfast part as well as the quinoa and the fresh yoghurt. 
Just when I thought the breakfast couldn't get better, came lunch with the most delicious vegetables. I must say I ate almost all of their tomatoes.

The other equally magical highlight of Esalen were the hot springs where clothing is optional.I walked in with my swimsuit before shortly given up on it and embracing the Esalen spirit. The hot springs have been renovated with a simple yet modern esthetic. They are on the edge of the cliff and oversee the ocean. It felt so natural and humbling to talk to people who just like you are in their natural state. It was even easier and faster to bond and open up and I definitely met amazing people that I plan to keep in touch with.

I indulged myself with an Esalen massage, overseeing the ocean on top of the hot springs. The massage was very Esalen with a little hint of spirituality, lots of care and generosity.

Meeting people from different walks of life, reconnecting with myself, disconnecting from the outside world, eating fresh, real fresh and healthy were goals i never thought i would achieve in one weekend but I did and I am very thankful to Esalen and my yoga instructor Doron Hanoch.

The year I fell in love

The End

Sometime in August I found myself sinking into another cycle of self hate and tears.

This time it was different. This time I knew I had enough and wanted to change and choose a happy life.

Up until this year, I thought life was about suffering, that a moment of happiness is followed by a moment of misery. I had also decided I was not capable of being happy.

After a complicated relationship and a tough breakup, I found myself on my own with my fears. Friends and family helped me but it was not what was going to get me out of this misery. I was left with myself. For the first time I faced my fears.

And what I found was a shivering adorable little curly hair girl, crying in the corner. That little girl was me. All she wanted was a big hug and for me to forgive her for all what she's done wrong.

And I did, I am, and I will forgive her everyday, give her a big hug everyday and take care of her as my little child.

Why?

If I did not love her I can't truly love others, I can't forgive others, I can't achieve the Immense dreams I have, I can't maintain healthy relationships, and most important I can't be happy.

How?

Three ways to self-love I learnt:
1- Forgiveness: every day I write down something or someone including yours truly,  I forgive.
2- Compassion: realizing that its never about me, I started questioning whenever I judge someone reminding myself we all have a story, a reason. I use my meditation practice to cultivate compassion. (More on this in my next blogpost).
3- Gratitude: every day I write down three things I am grateful for. I even started doing gratitude circles with my friends, a practice I learnt at one of the retreats I went to.

My self-love journey has just started, and I am looking forward to the many ways to enrich it, develop it and maintain it. This includes, wellness retreats, reading, travel, reflection, creation and most importantly surrounding myself with inspiring people.

Now it's your turn. Are you in love with yourself? Here is a simple challenge: 

Every day for 30 seconds, take a look at the kid inside of you: make sure she is warm, smiling and most importantly loved.

Why you should quit facebook too

I quit facebook two weeks ago. This was not the first time I do it and I am guilty of making a few people think I blocked them.

My decision came after finding myself checking Facebook every hour, habitually more than anything. A breakup made these few lost minutes on the social network painful. I will not dwell on this, but those who have been through breakups will likely empathize.

Ditching my facebook life also known as facebook detox, has been surprisingly smooth and not so surprisingly, rewarding.

1- More quality time with the ones that matter. I found myself emailing, texting yes texting friends I  wanted to hang out with or just check in on. Not knowing what they were up to through Facebook left me with a thirst to reach out. Guess what? The calls lead to meaningful conversations, to drinks, dinners, offline meetings. To illustrate, not having access to my events in Facebook, meant I had to reach out to a friend I had not been in touch with for details about the party. And bam, we were truly reconnected :) I even have my friend from Beirut calling me more often now to get my news since she can't stalk me anymore.

2- Focus on me and what makes me happy. One of my Stanford professors Benoit Monin, published a study that shows that usage of facebook and other social media tools, can make you perceive your life as unhappy. Why? Quoting the article: "Your friends' lives are filled with nonstop weekend barbecues, laughs over happy hour and cute kids who say the darnedest things." "...that people chronically overestimate how happy their peers are, and this misperception leads to feelings of loneliness."

Indeed, this happened to me. I have been able to focus on my activities, my plan for the day, my projects without comparing it to the 1000+ friends' whereabouts and statuses (most commonly used: "another sunday in ____" + photo of blue sky).

I have been journaling and spending time listening to myself instead of others. When was the last time you listened to yourself?


3- Efficiency. This goes without saying that when you are not browsing facebook every so often you probably focus on the task at hand. It is so easy for my mind to wonder from a facebook post, to another city, another state of mind, sometimes another emotion. Not having the option to distract myself, makes my time on computer more efficient.


The downside (or lack of it):

Spotify. Heart breaking, but if you signed up for Spotify in the US you cannot access it without facebook. For those music lovers this could be a deal breaker.

FOMO (fear of missing out for those who did not go to B-schools). You will get over it. You will learn how to enjoy your current activity and listen to yourself and what you need. (and god we learn when we make small changes in our daily life).

The bottom-line:

Taking a break from Facebook, from time to time, believe it or not, won't end your life as you know it. Take this risk and you will see benefits you may not have expected: reconnecting with yourself and others in a meaningful way.

And guess what? You could always go back to the virtual world by simply logging in. Boom nothing is gone. All your info is there and the happiness updates are still scrolling down the newsfeed.

Need a real digital detox? Check out this retreat I am going to next week.

Fell in love with Portlandia - 6 reasons why

I had heard it was the capital of hispter and yes i admit that i have a faible for anything hipsters.

Surprisingly, I fell in love with Portland for so many different reasons, not hispter or dream of the 90s related.

Here is a mini guide to falling in love with this magical town (its too cute to call it a city).

#1 - Lebanese restaurants and trucks everywhere. Found 5 Lebanese restaurants within 1 mile radius. in portlandia yes. One of the few places that understands the difference between Turkish, greek, Lebanese and gets that middle eastern term applies to politics only. My favorite is Nicholas family owned and worth the wait. You can also check out habibi that has a great selection of Lebanese wines.

#2 - Books, books, books. Walking into Starbucks i saw more people with books than laptops or phones. Spending a day at a bookstore is the most rewarding thing i have done in a while. I bought 6 books, and read all of them the last time i was here. Obviously you know where to go: Powells. Apparently you could get print on demand books over there.

#3- Sweet and lovely locals. It feels like everyone works at a Four Seasons. Excellent customer service across board. Wether at a coffee shop, at a retail store or even cab drivers. Portlanders seem to genuinely care about your happiness. One of the best service I received was at the best coffee maker Stumptown. I am not near a coffee connoisseur but i can tell you it was flavorful.

#4- Relaxed environment. The city moves in a harmony. Nobody is in a rush, yet people seem to get their stuff done. While my manicure took longer than normal, my nails looked fabulous.

#5- So much to do in such a small town. My favorites are the Japanese gardens, 5-10 min from the downtown, Chinese gardens, the wine country and Strip Clubs. yes, you heard right. Known for the highest strip clubs per capita, my friend dragged me to a few. oh my how eccentric some are. My favorite was Sassy. The strippers were hipsterish, one even used hipster glasses as part of her act.

#6- the cocktails. I could not get enough of these eclectic magical potions. Check out rum club, whiskey soda lounge, olympic provisions (also great spot for meat lovers), ron toms a great music venue as well, but basically almost everywhere you go.

An Open Letter to the CEO of Delta Airlines

An Open Letter to the CEO of Delta Airlines - Richard H. Anderson

5,000 bonus miles, and a template apology email with the wrong information about my case… one week later… That was what your company, Delta Airlines offered me for a breach of Human Rights Article 1.

My distress has turned into anger and that is why I write this open letter to you the CEO of a public company that employs more than 70,000 people.

I am a Lebanese citizen who was fortunate enough to get the chance to come and study in the US. After school, I decided to stay and continuously learn from what great things your country has to offer: rule of law, efficiency, standards, etc. A lot of what my country lacks.

I stayed in the US with the hope of one day helping in job creation. I stayed because it is multi cultural and open.

I did at some instances felt discriminated against, especially at airports where I always get the “special” treatment of being meticulously searched and sometimes missing my flight as a result. But that is ok.

What is not ok is what your employee did to me on that flight from NYC to SFO. And probably is doing to other people on a daily basis.

My mother seeing how lonely I was feeling decided to come visit me and to meet in NYC. That amazing start of a weekend, turned into an emotional nightmare.

The employee whom I do not wish to name here, asked for my boarding pass after being seated, came back with the same boarding pass but a new seat, he hand wrote. Next thing I know I am told to move to the back of the plane and was given NO reason. Nothing.

I do not know if it was my accent, or the employee’s lack of common sense, but when I refused to move asking for an explanation, he literally threatened to call the police.

Obviously I freaked out. Maybe it was the fear that because I am Arab, the police may not listen to me, or not wanting to disappoint my mother. All I know is I could not think straight.

As I moved to the back scared and intimidated, another young woman took my seat.
I couldn’t help but remember when Gandhi was thrown off a train at Pietermaritzburg after refusing to move from the first-class to a third-class coach while holding a valid first-class ticket. Why did not say anything? What is wrong with me?

Twitter and Facebook only confirmed that what happened was neither human nor acceptable. My friends were in shock; the passenger next to me in the back kept asking me why did you not fight.

Whatever the reason may be, Mr. Richard H. Anderson, I am writing and asking you to act on your service.

None of your extra miles, and canned emails will help alleviate how your employee made me feel. None of your marketing is going to fix the way I perceive your brand. None of the preferred treatments you give to some “privileged” customers is going to make you a loyal airline.

I write this on behalf of every person who was treated in a disrespectful, tasteless, threatening manner on Delta Airlines, and urge you to take action.

As a CEO, you know better what to do when your service reaches this low and trust you will do the right thing.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Twelve lessons or so from Andy Rachleff

Today we had the last class of aligning startups with their markets a class taught by seasoned Venture capitalist Andy Rachleff and Professor Bill Barnett. The class is largely designed around Steve Blank's book 4 steps to Epiphany. While these one liners cannot be true at all times they are definitely worth remembering and considering as an entrepreneur and or CEO.
1- Not everyone should like your idea
2- Start-off with a niche market
3- Grow the market and not your share
4- Fail fast & cheap
5- Best ideas come from unlikely people
6- Brands are built through experience and not advertising
7- Sometimes you will need to build it all yourself
8- Open source is not about free
9- You dont need to own IP to be disruptive
10- Sales force should not do qualifying
11- Don't hit the accelerator unless you were proven successful
12- Only sell your company if you dont think you are going to make it big or the offer is ridiculously, unbelievably and unacceptably high

The main lesson i believe from this class is not to follow the conventional wisdom because it is often wrong. Take risks and dont be afraid to fail and learn from the mistakes.

When going back is moving forward

Looking back at my growing up years in Beirut, our lives evolved around tomorrow. It was fed by drama and tamed by abuse. 20 years later, things remain the same, except that the war drama is replaced by daily life dramas and violent abuse is replaced by political and substance abuse.

Why have we not changed?

“Change” had no significant meaning to me before moving to the US. I  have learned that change is this eagerness to move forward, to look beyond tomorrow, to constantly see new ways to make things better. It is this dissatisfaction with the status quo, which seems to be carried in a lot of people's DNA.

While the changes were not always the right ones with respect to say the Middle East, or even in America, change is a reality that will happen and keep happening. I wondered how I could bring this positive change culture to   Lebanon. Can we even dream of becoming agents of change?

For my Lebanon, there is an urgent need to move on. We need to however recognize that our country has been stuck in a 45-year moment, for we have been in denial all this time, living in the illusion of moving on only to be regressing.

Lebanon has literally no civil war museum. The 30-year civil war earned one paragraph in the 600 something page history schoolbook. The warlords are the modern country leaders of today. We still think of each other in terms of sects, though we don’t admit it. Civil marriage is illegal. These are few elements of a long list of realities that clearly shows that we have not dealt with our past; instead we cowardly chose to ignore it.

Hitler’s atrocities are engraved in the German history and have turned into a collective national guilt. In South Africa the pains of the Apartheid are revived at every corner of the street, engrained in the culture and faced bravely by the people of this country.
My fellow Lebanese will respond: South Africa lives in the past, we live the moment. But what a sinful moment we are stuck in.

My yoga teacher in the Bay Area would have a heart attack when she finds out what do we mean by the here and now. Whether abuse of religion, arms, drugs, alcohol, they are all the same: A constant debauchery to escape the real moment.

If we don’t recognize our past, our mistakes and our weaknesses change will not come. It is not a coincidence that negative feedback is culturally unacceptable, that people are ashamed to see therapists, and would rather live with mental illnesses a lot of them the product of decades of violence. It is not an accident that Lebanese think they are the chosen ones despite a stagnating economy and a 55 Billion-Dollar debt.

Lebanon wake up, hit the road back and deeply embrace your past 50 years.

The age of feelpression

Have we reached the era of the feelings repression? I ask myself more and more as I travel the world and talk to people.
Women love to talk about relationships. And so I don’t miss out on a chance to ask the ones I meet from different walks of life, about love.

“I married him because it was right. We are from the same city, our families know each other.. it made sense”. Heard that speech many times. Saw the look of boredom in their eyes when they talked about their husbands.

Another 20 something consultant says to me with a bittersweet voice:” we broke up because it did not make sense. His career is taking him to New York and I want to stick here in Beirut, so we broke up.”

Romanticism is dead, or is agonizing for sure. A loving and romantic boyfriend is categorized as silly and cheesy. Buying flowers is so last century and saying I love you at the start of a relationship is almost a crime.

Surrendering to feelings is weakness. Leaving everything for love is craziness. Looking for love is stupid.
Why did we kill romance? Especially us the educated ones. Why must we rationalize everything including our feelings? Aren’t they there for a reason? Why don’t we give them a chance? Maybe we did when we were young before they repeated to us that it should make sense and we got hurt. Yes it hurts, yes it is risk, but isn’t it worth it?

Love exists, we just need to stick around it and most importantly think of it as it is a bitter sweet adventure.